The Mind Of OverlordTomala

My insurance sends out emails from time to time providing health advice, and the one I got today made me roll my eyes. Today’s email was called “Put down the pastrami.” Let me offer you part of the email I received.

And walk away from the salami, bologna, and bacon, too. Often filled with preservatives, many processed meats have been shown to negatively affect your health and well-being

Shorter insurance: You are what you eat. Eat all these fatty meats and eventually you’ll be just like any other fatassed American.

Most store-bought processed meats are made with sodium nitrate or nitrite to prevent spoilage. These preservatives, in large quantities, have been shown to increase the risk of certain cancers. Need another reason to find healthier options? Many of these meats also have high saturated fat levels and can put the bulge into your waistline.

You mean all those bacon wrapped hot dogs smothered in Carmel sauce I’ve been eating AREN’T helping me lose weight? God damn it. Why didn’t they email me sooner?

Don’t fret – you don’t have to give up pepperoni pizza and hot dogs altogether. But moderation is key.

Nooooo really? I thought I could eat all the pizza I could ever want and live forever…

Be mindful of what you’re putting in your mouth. If processed meats comprise a large part of your daily meals, make an effort to substitute with natural foods such as fresh chicken, beans, and low-fat dairy. Because if you get a heart attack we probably won’t cover it.

The part in bold was a fix of mine… I like to help read between the lines whenever I can.

If I want health advice I’ll go listen to a nutrition specialist. Not some fucking insurance company that hardly covers any medical and profits off of sick people who can hardly afford it.